Step Parents Often Find That It Is Tough To Share Authority

Step parenting generally brings its own particular problems as the new step parent finds himself or herself caught in the middle between the children and the biological parent. Just how much difficulty you may run into depends upon a large variety of factors, the most important of which will be the degree of co-operation you receive from the biological parent and the ages of the children.

The best parenting advice and the answer to step parenting success is to be found first in clearly determining your role with the biological parent because you are certainly going to have an uphill battle if the two of you are not fully in agreement from the start. As with any changes in a relationship however you also need to understand that adjustment takes time and you need to adopt a 'step by step' approach. An attempt to hasten things, or to push the situation, will undoubtedly lead to frustration and even conflict. The biological parent could feel threatened by the requirement to share parenting responsibilities and will need to have time to adjust and to acquire confidence and trust in you as a parent to her or his children.

Next, you will clearly need to establish your role with the children, unless they are very young, will often resent being guided by an 'outsider'. You will need to take things very slowly and realize that the children will need time to get used to the situation before they will accept you in the role of a parent. Again, you will need the assistance of the biological parent in cementing your relationship with the children.

A successful move into step parenting must begin with a clear and frank conversation with the biological parent, during which both parties must communicated freely and honestly about how they see their own role, as well as that of the other party, and you both need to reach a clear agreement about exactly how you need to share the responsibilities of parenting. This conversation also has to set clear boundaries but must be flexible enough to allow for modification, especially in the all important first few weeks and months after the establishment of this new relationship.

This first discussion will not of course be the end of the matter and several similar discussions will have to take place before any truly meaningful and lasting change in parenting responsibilities can take place.

Once you are in agreement the next step in the process is to get the children on board and this must initially be led by the biological parent. At a suitable time everybody should sit down together and the biological parent should start a discussion during which the plan that you have agreed can be revealed to the children and then discussed with them.

At this point it is important to emphasize that this had to be a genuine discussion and not merely a case of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is extremely important that the children add to the discussion and that their views and thoughts on what you have agreed are heard. Just like adults, children need to be permitted to have a feeling of control over their own lives and must feel comfortable with the situation in which they now find themselves. This is not to say that the children must be given control of the situation, which has to stay firmly in the hands of the parents as the final decision makers, but, every effort needs to be made to make sure that they understand the situation and that they are as happy with it as is possible.

The simple fact that the children are able to see that their parents have clearly considered the position very carefully, and agree about it, will do a great deal to stop the children from playing the parents off against each other and the fact that they are included in the process will also assist a great deal in bringing them on board.

Coming into a household as a new step parent can be hard for not only the step parent but also for the biological parent and the children and all parties will need to work together carefully and take their time to create an environment in which everybody is able to live together happily. Handled carefully step parenting is not as problematic as you might think.

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